Friday, October 05, 2007

Being Stuck Outside

A few weeks ago, I went for a walk. Nothing particularly special about that, I do it every day. I bid my farewells and set off. On my return I find out that the parent who was at home when I left had also left. Fuck. This parent usually forgets to tell me about this sort of thing, I've been locked out before. The last time I had left my window slightly ajar, and could "break in". Not this time, it was sealed up tight.

Without distractions, it very quickly becomes apparent how boring sitting in the backyard can be. I watered some plants, but that didn't last long, I double checked windows and doors for a chance to enter, but I find myself sitting in a chair muttering angrily.

I'd briefly fallen asleep and been woken by the sound of a neighbor sliding their door open noisily and walking around. These neighbors were quite elusive, I rarely see them, and have met them only once. I think one was a doctor, and the other an accountant. But I couldn't be certain. I couldn't even give you a name. There is a gap in the fence the dog likes to hang around because he can get a glimpse into two yards at once. One you get a glimpse only (and only just). But the other you get an unimpeded view, this is the yard with the noise and the unknown neighbors.

This is literally the most interesting thing happening, the insect olympics didn't go to well - none of the competitors I found were very keen on the idea.

I go over to the fence and take up position, maybe it is something exciting! No, it's just laundry. Not even exciting laundry, just tablecloths, sheets, pants, business shirts.

I hear commotion inside the house and make my prescence a little less obvious. More laundry comes out and my neighbor's wife begins to hang it up. I was hoping she would be a nudist or something, but no. Just plain old laundry day. She was older and attractive, and seemed to dress pretty flash compared to what you need to for housework. I wonder if she liked doing laundry for the chance to stand next to the machine. I'll bet she did, all alone in that house, presumably accounting for other people's money. Or maybe the sheets had to be washed because she was bored, just like me and spent several hours masturbating, except inside. I think all streets across the vast suburbia would be a bit like "Desperate Housewives" at times.

I know there is a belief that 9 months after a significant power outage, there is a rise in the number of births. Sociologists have largely disproved this, but I can see how a belief like that would come about.

I ended up being stuck outside for 4 hours. I did try the neighbors I actually know to see if I could use their phone, but none were in. In that 4 hours I orgasmed 4 times, with a sort of inverse exponential curve on the amount of jizz each time. The first was the kind I enjoy. The second was about half, and the third was half again and the fourth was a few dribbles. I have to say I was incredibly relaxed and philosophical about the return of the parents and realisation I was outside. Needless to say, that night there was no jerking off at all. My brain hadn't even entertained the possibility.

Now, I know that story was not at all erotic. It was someone stuck outside, played voyeur for 5 minutes and masturbated 4 times. If your dick moved, or your panties moistened, I would be surprised, very surprised. What I am trying to get at, is that had I not jerked off, I probably would have been really snitty and pissed off. I certainly was before and even though I find it hard to stay angry, I probably would have had enough anger left to be angry at the parents. Besides, I spend a lot of time waiting for them to go away so I can masturbate, how dumb would I have been to not take advantage of a time with no parents and the other drains on my time (ie, university) unavailable? I think if the parents didn't come back when they did, I probably would have tried to beat my record (5).


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Ellie said...

I love entertaining idle fantasies about people that I hardly know. Sometimes I suspect that my imagination barely encompasses their potential interesting qualities.

Karl Hungus said...

I love your writing style. Your narrative was a great read!

Le Calme Avant L'Orage said...

Hehe, this reminds me of last Christmas Eve. I was house sitting for my uncle, and left to go home to my family. I actually left all my keys inside the house, with no way to retrieve them. I was only stuck for three hours, but I definitely know what you mean about muttering angrily. If I thought about masturbating, I would probably have been a lot happier too :-)

having my cake said...

LMAO... Well, they say masturbating is supposed to be relaxing and calming so in that sort of situation, it probably should be compulsory to sit on the step outside the front door and jerk off... It'll be in one of the self-help guides next I expect.