One year on

Around this time last year I wrote this post. On the one hand I could say that things haven't changed much. I still feel a little lonely this time of year, and this year is no different in that regard. I don't have any significant other for the coupley type stuff. A friend says I don't want that, but it's easy for him to say when he has tried it, and hypocritically lives with his girlfriend.

Each year I ask a few women out. For me this constitute a fairly high percentage of the women I meet each year - just because I meet so few. I hope once I move out of university life and into working life my social circle will expand.

I should explain something though. When writing last year's post I was quite sad. Really sad. It had got to me a lot more than usual. This year, it all doesn't seem so monolithic and disheartening. Which I am glad about, I felt pretty shitty last year.

So what changed?

Several things, no single thing did it, but it was a combination of all.

I was given more responsibility this year
Writing a thesis is tough. It's a mountain of work, and at the start of the year you are plagued with self-doubt. Self-doubt to a degree I've never experienced, I thought I was swimming in the deep end. With sharks. With teeth made of dynamite.

But I pressed on.

I worked on it, and in the end finished it well enough to pick up an award from a private company and the highest possible mark I could.

I learnt tons of stuff in my area of research, research methods, philosophical arguments about research and advanced concepts in my area of interest. All good stuff. But the one thing I value above all else was that I learnt if I put my mind and effort into something, I can do it. Which is a huge confidence booster. Presenting the findings of your research to a room full of academics, people who seem tuned to finding holes in research is a gut wrencher. But pulling it off puts you on cloud 9.

Attitude change
I avoid risk. I like situations I understand, situations I can control. Control leads to measurement, consistent measurement leads to a basis for comparison. I am a positivist at heart! Works for experiments, doesn't work so well on people.

I tried to care less about the consequences of my actions and to occasionally venture a bit further than I would. It worked, more often than not. The world didn't fall apart if I took a risk! Hooray! During the year I consulted my university's counselling program, to see if they could offer any advice on another issue I had/have/having. My counsellor told me to peg my happiness on things I can control and not things I have no control over.

Good advice. So good and simple I felt like a twit for not thinking of it sooner. It has helped.

Physical changes
I can't shy away from the correlation between my weight loss and

• confidence
• mental state
• wanking

I don't notice it that much, because I've seen every ounce drop off me. So for me, I always look much the same. But the look on people's faces who haven't seen me in a long time always reminds me - what I have done, most people fail at. Big booster.

As for the wanking - this one was unexpected. A few months back I was in the shower. Things were getting a bit hairy, so I got out the razor and cleaned up. Drying myself, my cock felt different. Peculiar and ignored. I scurried over to my bedroom and did the usual night time things. I switched off the light and felt immediately horny, a bit Pavlovian really. Nope, my cock definitely felt different that night. The following day, the same. I finally figured it out. The weight loss had been so dramatic, that the bulge that formed my pubes was residing, and still is. All told, I "gained" about an inch.

Virginity
The big one I was upset about last year.

Well, I found a fix for my problem. I look forward to revisiting the brothel in the new year.

This year has been good. I am the happiest in years, I feel confident in my actual abilities. I think this is helping me socially. Like I said, I am an only child and I think my nature led to me not being as socialized as I could have been when younger.

However, I made this year the year of discipline. I decided I would

• Work hard at university, harder than ever before
• Get serious about fixing myself physically
• Deal with some inner "demons"

I think I did all 3!

I know this post has very little to do with wanking, in fact nothing to do with wanking. It's easier to face problems with people who don't know you, thank you for reading, have a good Christmas/New Year! I will be continuing in 2008.